Home

Fun Fact of the Day- I'm an insomniac. Born that way, never known anything different, etc, doesn't really bother me. But last night, I laid awake thinking about something. I had a short conversation with a friend that started with my comment "unfortunately, I seem to know exactly what it is I want". My mind kept following that line long after I went to bed. I wasn't honest with this person when they asked what I meant, because it was hard to pin down why I said that. Here's part of what was going through my mind.

Home. Home has always been a tough topic for me, because even though I grew up all in one place, one school, one house, I never felt like I was "home". I would feel homesick sitting in my bedroom. Through some counseling, I began to discover that my definition of "home" was something different than the house and family I grew up with. Home wasn't a place for me, it was a feeling. A sense of security, of promise, of belonging, and I have never in my life felt that entirely. I am constantly waiting for one more thing to fall into place, or one more milestone to pass. Currently, I'm looking at my upcoming college graduation. Graduation. This brings fear now, where not so long ago I was excited. I don't like being alone, and as much as my family loves and supports me, I know that my "home" will come when I have a partner to face the world with, a place that I've wholeheartedly chosen to be.

So when do I get to be home? I don't know. But I know that's what I want, and its just so hard to reach. You can't just tell someone that you feel like you want to be a part of their life, that you admire them and feel like their values are also the center of your life, that they could be your home, but then, maybe you can. I've never agreed with the idea that a person can be your home, but maybe the life they offer can.

Blessings-
   Emily