Today has been exhausting, and I guess that will by my topic. I've worked with a fashion club at my school, and today was our big show. Last year, I designed two pieces, and ended up being backstage manager as well. This year, I decided to skip the designing so I could focus on just taking care of everyone backstage, as well as coaching models with walking (thank you blossomtime). So proud of how they did! The show was fantastic, and since I'm technically now a senior, my last (whew!).
But this morning, I woke up already tired. Not a need-a-cup-of-coffee because I went to bed late tired, but a "I made a pot of coffee, didn't drink any of it, and couldn't focus because my night was spent in a dream that was both intensely happy and sad. One of those, break your heart because you know what's happening will never happen things, and then you're aware of dreaming during, so you're having that reality check while the dream is playing out. Doesn't add up to a good morning.
All day, as much as I tried, I couldn't keep the thoughts of doubt out of my mind. I was surrounded by cheerful, hard working people who appreciated all the help I was giving, and yet my mind was still caught up with my "dream reality check", since it also applied to my life. In short, I am feeling a little unwanted, a little unnoticed by someone who's attention I have on my long-term goal list. That's never fun. I feel like I bother them, like I was just a passing thought or short fling. And yet, I hope not. But let's be honest, I can't stand one more "I'm just really busy" or "You really don't understand my schedule". That's probably just bitterness talking. I don't want to be bitter, but I guess it will keep me from being a fool.
So in general, I'm struggling with mental and emotional exhaustion today. Some of my days will be happy and productive, others will be filled with anxiety and worry and loneliness. I would love to hand it all over to the One who knows how to truly care for my heart, who knows me beyond even how I know myself, but that's really hard. I feel more exhausted with the effort to let it go than I think I do with the effort I put in to carry it.
I feel guilty sharing my struggles and shortcomings, but I know I'm not the only one.
Blessings as always-
Emily
PS Thank goodness for country music on days like today :)
