Exhaustion.

Today has been exhausting, and I guess that will by my topic. I've worked with a fashion club at my school, and today was our big show. Last year, I designed two pieces, and ended up being backstage manager as well. This year, I decided to skip the designing so I could focus on just taking care of everyone backstage, as well as coaching models with walking (thank you blossomtime). So proud of how they did! The show was fantastic, and since I'm technically now a senior, my last (whew!).

But this morning, I woke up already tired. Not a need-a-cup-of-coffee because I went to bed late tired, but a "I made a pot of coffee, didn't drink any of it, and couldn't focus because my night was spent in a dream that was both intensely happy and sad. One of those, break your heart because you know what's happening will never happen things, and then you're aware of dreaming during, so you're having that reality check while the dream is playing out. Doesn't add up to a good morning.

All day, as much as I tried, I couldn't keep the thoughts of doubt out of my mind. I was surrounded by cheerful, hard working people who appreciated all the help I was giving, and yet my mind was still caught up with my "dream reality check", since it also applied to my life. In short, I am feeling a little unwanted, a little unnoticed by someone who's attention I have on my long-term goal list. That's never fun. I feel like I bother them, like I was just a passing thought or short fling. And yet, I hope not. But let's be honest, I can't stand one more "I'm just really busy" or "You really don't understand my schedule". That's probably just bitterness talking. I don't want to  be bitter, but I guess it will keep me from being a fool. 

So in general, I'm struggling with mental and emotional exhaustion today. Some of my days will be happy and productive, others will be filled with anxiety and worry and loneliness. I would love to hand it all over to the One who knows how to truly care for my heart, who knows me beyond even how I know myself, but that's really hard. I feel more exhausted with the effort to let it go than I think I do with the effort I put in to carry it.

I feel guilty sharing my struggles and shortcomings, but I know I'm not the only one.
Blessings as always-
   Emily
PS Thank goodness for country music on days like today :) 

This past weekend, I traveled with my parents down to visit my sister and brother-in-law. Its about a 5 hour trip, so not one that is made often. They were married this past October, and time has kind of flown by. They've known each other since they were 14, thanks to a special place called Camp Arcadia, which I'm sure I will talk about later on. But lets get to the point here; Jon is a great guy, and my sister is almost as much of a piece of work as I am, haha. I've always admired their relationship, and been a go-between on the occasional rough spot. They're both really special people.

On this trip though, I got to see something I haven't seen before. I got to see them working together in a partnership, sharing a place they've made into a comfortable little home (although temporary, its an apartment) offering each other small comforts, gestures of support and love, and displaying a knowledge of each others habits and little patterns. I was awed. My sister and I have had extensive conversations about different types of relationships and how a different types of people function together, and we didn't always agree. I can say this quite honestly, I was entirely jealous of their relationship. I've had this image in my mind of what I someday wanted in a marriage, and it was so different from what I was seeing that I had to take a step back and reassess. 

I want that. I don't have a better way to phrase it. I want the type of relationship they have. I want a different type of man than I've always thought, and I want to be a different type of wife than I've always imagined I would be. My values have changed, and I can see the direction of my life changing along with those.

I want a man who is there to have my back, supporting me and respecting my space, one who knows how to offer me comfort and small assurances that he is a constant in my life, a man who I can admire and respect because he has chosen what he wanted for himself, and then pursued it. Most importantly, I want a man whose heart belongs to God. This is what I could see as the base of my sister and brother in law's relationship. They both have a heart for God, and He is the center of their relationship. Sitting next to them in church I could feel their love for each other, and the way they are held above water through their conjoined love for God. I want this.

Many more Blessings than before-
     Emily

Home

Fun Fact of the Day- I'm an insomniac. Born that way, never known anything different, etc, doesn't really bother me. But last night, I laid awake thinking about something. I had a short conversation with a friend that started with my comment "unfortunately, I seem to know exactly what it is I want". My mind kept following that line long after I went to bed. I wasn't honest with this person when they asked what I meant, because it was hard to pin down why I said that. Here's part of what was going through my mind.

Home. Home has always been a tough topic for me, because even though I grew up all in one place, one school, one house, I never felt like I was "home". I would feel homesick sitting in my bedroom. Through some counseling, I began to discover that my definition of "home" was something different than the house and family I grew up with. Home wasn't a place for me, it was a feeling. A sense of security, of promise, of belonging, and I have never in my life felt that entirely. I am constantly waiting for one more thing to fall into place, or one more milestone to pass. Currently, I'm looking at my upcoming college graduation. Graduation. This brings fear now, where not so long ago I was excited. I don't like being alone, and as much as my family loves and supports me, I know that my "home" will come when I have a partner to face the world with, a place that I've wholeheartedly chosen to be.

So when do I get to be home? I don't know. But I know that's what I want, and its just so hard to reach. You can't just tell someone that you feel like you want to be a part of their life, that you admire them and feel like their values are also the center of your life, that they could be your home, but then, maybe you can. I've never agreed with the idea that a person can be your home, but maybe the life they offer can.

Blessings-
   Emily

Changes

Let's start out with a bit of honesty. I am neither a blogger, nor organized, so this is definitely not an advise column, inspirational, or anything else associated with those ideas. I guess you could say seeing someone's blog gave me the idea, and I appreciated the way they were able to share their thoughts, and wanted that for myself.

 My life has changed pretty drastically in the past year or so. I managed to decide what I wanted to do for a career, push my graduation up a semester to try and be closer to the man I wanted to marry, change my mind about my career choice, get my heart broken a few times by this same man, see my only sister and best friend marry the man I am proud to call brother then proceed to move to another state, discover I'm still graduating this year no matter how unprepared I feel, and come to the realization that my parent's aren't answering their phones because they are out on a date night. Huh.

Change change change. Of us two sisters, I'm the one that has always looked forward to change, rearranging my environment and looking forward to each of the versions of my future I had planned out (this habit has become worse with the introduction of Pinterest). But let's be honest again, this is a bit overwhelming. A few months ago, I was in tears because everything was falling apart in my life, I was unexpectedly single, my sister had a new set of priorities, and I was aiming for a nearly impossible career choice, a Special Effects Makeup Artist (a successful one is the nearly impossible part). What now? Well, my job at the bridal shop was becoming my solid ground, and I realized exactly how much I loved it. New opportunity, back up career choice? But then again, I would want to be the owner of my own little boutique, and Dad informed me of exactly how much money and work that would take to even start, so its been added to my list of future dreams. By the time I was settled into the new version of my life, I was a new person.

By new person, I mean I have a new outlook, and that has made even more drastic changes in my life. I'm ok with working for the best-possible present, the future will happen when it happens. This is the best part though; while I've had to let go of some of the most important people in my past life, I've had the chance to bring new people in. I've made some of the most unbelievable friends, they make this time worthwhile. I've gained a brother, who has taken care of me better than I imagined a brother could. I've gotten back in touch with some people I didn't realize were as important as they are, and maybe that has a lot to do with who I am now, and what place I'm hoping to make for them in my life.

This is a lot to say for a first post, so I will have to come back another time to elaborate on some of the more important points, and maybe this isn't such a ridiculous idea after all.
Blessings-
  Emily